It’s been long since I last wrote here. I have just been very depressed lately and lost inspiration to write. I thought that I wasn’t writing properly today so I’ve decided to change the way I write and I am not a gifted or talented writer, I like writing anyway. I’m sure I’ll get better as I post more.

I wanted to talk about silence. I don't know if anybody else has felt this weird emotion before but it's creepy. This may sound strange but the word 'silence' is the best way I can describe this feeling. I think that it's because I am so shy and because I feel that no-one notices me. So what I feel is:

I feel cold, depressed and trapped, I feel empty and lost and stuck. I feel like there is a long silence all around me if that makes sense. I feel like there’s a silence in me.

I am hiding so much and people see so little of me and I am so used to not speaking in school. I am kind of drowning in this silence and turning into it. I feel like I am the silence.

You’re probably thinking I’m crazy (I think the same about myself). This feeling has gotten so strong and I think I should get help but I don’t know how, I can’t explain this. I’ve fallen into a trap and I’m driving myself crazy. I feel I need to get out, out of the silence. So my other problems are………Well let me explain.

I have so many ‘psychological’ problems (that’s what I think they are). Maybe I have disorders or symptoms I don’t know.

·         I can’t take a big bag to school because carrying it stresses me out and I always feel that everyone stares at me when I carry it.

·         I wish I could have something or I want something but I know that if I had that thing I wouldn’t use it

·         I find myself thinking crazy thoughts all the time which I don’t understand

·         I feel like I’m going nowhere

·         I am 14 years old and I never go out because I am scared of things happening

·         I have really deep thoughts and emotions for my age and I feel that no-one understands

·         Every laugh I hear, I automatically assume that that person is laughing at me(every single one)

·         I sometimes don’t understand what people say. What I mean is that people talk to me in clear English saying simple things and I sometimes just don’t understand a word. I just stare back at them.

·         I get confused real easily. Even though I am actually quite clever, I get really confused on simple things.

·         I am ashamed of who I am and what I am and I have really low self-esteem  but I still think that I am a really sweet person

These are all I can think of for now but there are many more. I know this is not just what comes along with being a teenager, this is much more serious. Ideally don’t understand myself and need to sort myself out but I need help doing it. I need someone I love and trust by my side and I need guidance because I really can’t do this. I know lots of you might tell me to stop being negative or that there’s no such word as can’t but I am serious. People calling me a robot or a brick wall isn’t going to help me. Someone gets me out of here…….. I feel like a mental person when I say that

sorry it's been a while since i last posted. i have been quite busy plus it's the easter holidays. everybody have a happy easter. that's all i wanted to say really.

the days just seem to be dragging on. everyday just a repeat of the day before and i am completely bored. i get stressed over the smallest things and i am still very depressed. i wish i had someone to speak to.  there is nothing i hate more than getting up in the morning and going to school and this is not because i'm lazy. this is because when i get to school, i'm going to be faced with the impossible task of communicating. i can hardly get two words out. all i say is hi in the morning and bye in the afternoon. i don't have any friends at school and i hate it. i can't make friends because i've been going to this school for three years and everyone already has thier groups, they don't want anyone else. i also avoid people so that's probably another reason. i seriosly think i need some therapy but my mum won't let me. she doesn't even know!  sorry if this post sounds really depressing and emo :(

i've never been good at communicating but how do i make you understand?
i am a very shy girl and when i was in year 7 (11-12 years old) i started to feel different. i started changing and i wasn't the same person anymore. i started to feel weird around people. as a child i was the loudest person in the classroom but when i went to secondary, everything changed. it all changed from the first day of school and got worse. i was one of those people that didn't want to be seen alone so i decided i would hang around with the girl from my old school. she soon made her own group and i hung around with them. you may thing that that's fine but it's not because i never said a word in school. they all soon began to get bored with me following them around all the time, all i did was follow them round for the whole of year 7. then in year 8, things just got worse as they were all teenagers now. everyone just started growing. the people i used to see every day as kids from my old school, were now wearing full make-up and flirting with boys. by this time my shyness grew really bad. i hated getting up and going to school. since i got kicked out the group i used to hang around with, i didn't have anyone to hang around with anymore. every lunch and break time, i would have that terrible job of finding a group to hang around with, well all i did was just stand there with them. as my shyness grew worse this got harder and harder to do. i started thinking that nobody wanted me and that i was nothing and looked stupid aproaching people. other kides started hating me for approaching them when i only knew from science class or something. some people made me feel so bad. i still remeber, this boy once said to his friends "that girl has no emotions at all" 
i was standind right there when he said it (he pointed at me). he said it like he did'nt care how i felt.... i didn't matter how i felt, i was just an aobject with no emotions and yet.... i make them cry when i sing. i will never forget those words. they hit me right in the heart, they broke me in a million pieces and they were the reason why i gave up. 
yes, i gave up fighting my shyness, i gave up in everything. i just couldn't be bothered to go up to groups of people cause they would just say things and hurt me. this is something i regret because it only made things worse, if i kept fighting things would be different now. so when i gave up, what i did was just hide from everyone else. every break i'd go into the library at school (if it was open) and at lunch i would just buy a cookie and sit at a table on my own till the bell went. after doing this for about 1 week, my shyness went so bad that i couldn't even talk to anyone now. plus the dinnerladies and the teachers started to worry about me. i saw them all whispering about me every lunch which made me feel even worse. normally i would do anything i could to make myself look like i had friends and was like everyone else but this time, i just didn't care. at this point in my life i didn't care about anything, people did not understand so what was the point.  i didn't understand why no-body liked me or wanted to be around me because other shy kids had friends. later i noticed it was because i never spoke and others probably found me boring. i knew i wasn't boring and i did have a personality but it kind of just dissapeared. another day a teacher told me to stay behind after class. she said she was worried about me because all the dinnerladies said i sit by myself everylunch looking depressed. she asked if i had any proplems at home or anything. i felt like someone actually cared but it upset me at the same time cause i knew that she wouldn't understand, i just fought back the tears and managed to tell her i'm ok. i felt so bad after i walked out the classroom, the short conversation with the teacher made me feel even worse. i couldn't feel like this anymore, i cried myself to sleep that night and everynight after that, i say to myself "i can't live like this" i couldn't go on like this without telling anyone. all those teenagers i see everyday didn't know what they were doing to me, they saw me everyday, they saw me sit by myself at lunch times, they saw the pain and didn't do anything. i wished i could say something and that wish came true. 
i was sitting by myself at lunch as usuall. most people had gone outside by now. then these older girls came and asked me why i was sitting by myself and i didn't have an answer. i saw the way they lookes at me, like i was some rat that didn't have any friends. my heart started to break as i slowly looked down. i looked at my wrist and decided that i can't put up with this any longer. i decided that i would pretend i was eating and get a knife then go into the girls toilets and kill myself. i was shaking and scared and fighting the tears. as i was about to get up a girl in my year came along and asked me what was wrong. my eyes were watering and i still said i was ok like i did for the last two years. she told me that something was wrong because she could see the tears in my eyes. i kept saying nothing was wrong, by this time the tears were streaming down my cheeks and i didn't know how to stop them. all that loneliness, all that depression just came flowing out and then she started acting like she cared. i told her that everyone was leaving me out. this was the only way i could explain it even though there was more to it than that. i told her no-one liked me. i looked around while crying and saw all the dinnerladies starring at me wondering what was wrong. a teacher came and asked me if i was ok. this time i said no then had to go through the whole process of saying that everyone was leaving me out. she asked if i wanted her to call my parents but i quickly said no. she said that she would tell my form teacher but she never did. i was shaking and could barely walk. she took me to my next lesson and everyone was starring at me. they could see something was wrong but i just sat down without looking at anyone. 
after this everyone was nice to me for a while but soon everything was back to normal. i still walked around at lunch looking for a group to sit with. they usually left me sitting there alone when they finished eating. i just walked around the school in circles. now i'm 14 and i'm in year 9. it's even worse then it was last year now and i am very depressed but that's another story. i still think of killing myself but not as much. i still can't understand why i changed and have this fear of people. that sounds really stupid but it's true. i fear human beings. i wonder if i'll ever be normal.